A try to find a meaning in the life around me, the house I’ve been living for almost two years.
This is the last part of House of Knowledge, Virtue, and Wisdom series. See the previous posts below to get more depth before consuming this little piece of so-called legacy.
These are the top two definition I found on en.oxforddictionaries.com:
- A building for human habitation, especially one that consists of a ground floor and one or more upper storeys.
- A building in which people meet for a particular activity.
House is a place to live and to meet. Other than that, if something is called a house, it usually is a place to rest, a place to come back.
“And Allah has made for you from your homes a place of rest…” — An Nahl verse 80
Asrama Salman ITB. It is a kind of scholarship that us, ITB students, can get when we decided that we will not living only for ourselves, but to give contributions. As I described to my first fasils long ago, this place is where you are ready to be content with yourself and start act outside of your usual comfort zone and widen areas of your influences.
You are intending to a part of Asrama Salman ITB but still taking care of inner fight within yourself?
You are like me back then.
I believe in God. I embrace Islam. I try to maintain iman. But I doubted the world. I doubted myself.
The world is selfish. I am selfish. The world is arrogant. I am arrogant. The world is hard. I am hard too. The world is uncaring. I don’t care too. I doubt the world want to change. I doubt myself can change.
Realization was an early stage of my life as an ITB student. Here, I realized that as we come to this place to be forged as an agent of change. Agents of change change the environment. Agents of change change people. Agents of change change themselves.
I am a part of those agents.
But I cannot change the world. I cannot change people around me. I am not even capable of changing myself.
I cannot managed myself. I also feel the environment around me didn’t supported me enough.
I felt uneasy. Why I was so pessimistic? Why I held so much bad assumptions about me and the world?
But as Allah had guided me, He sent me a person who was a resident of Asrama Salman ITB place.
“You wanna join? I can recommend you.”
I didn’t know him that very well. He didn’t know me that very well too. We just met for a half a year. Nevertheless, he did make the recommendation letter.
But many things still doubting me about this place. I asked the contact person in the recruitment poster. Between the chats, she said,
“You wanna join? I can recommend you.”
I didn’t know her. She didn’t know me at all. We never met. Nevertheless, she did make the recommendation letter.
I sign up, for the hope that I can be fixed. I wait. It was long, too long. At one time I forgot about it. I started to search for another way. Maybe Asrama Salman ITB isn’t the way, I thought_._
Then I got accepted.
Oh, Lord, how easy that was for me! (now knowing it wasn’t that easy for new people in the next year recruitment)
I gritted my teeth. A mission of changing oneself was just started. And a mission of contribution fell upon my shoulder.
Then it was two years of journey, searching for my inner peace. Finding balance between my ego and my responsibilities. Letting go of my hardheadedness which worth a relationship. Building my own guard. Sharing my insecurities. Showing vulnerabilities. Defining myself. Accept oneself.
Smile. Smile to people. Smile to myself. Say hi. Be inspired. Inspire others. Adaptive to the environment. Affect the environment.
Practicing adab since you wake up form bed. Planning ahead. Engineering people. Solve problem. Professionally present. Answer the duties’ call. Ruhul istijabah.
It was breathtaking. It was fast-paced. It was impactful. It was life-changing. Yet it was tiring.
There were some times I was demotivated to live here. I was stuck. I didn’t improve. But there was one thing that kept me here back then. It was the tagline:
House of Knowledge, Virtue, and Wisdom.
A house, a place to come back, a place of comfort. Sometimes, I didn’t get the comfort. But living near a mosque give you so much knowledge and provide so much opportunities for virtues to prosper. It was a land-mining of wisdom.
Mosque and it’s activities gave you knowledge. Asrama and living there itself gave you virtue. The dynamics happened there gave you wisdom. They repeated. How often? That depends on how much willingness you have to improve yourself.
Even then, someday, it will not be a house of me, but I believe it will still be house of knowledge, virtue, and wisdom.
Lately, I realized that the journey was all for me. The days I spent here was not about contribution, it was about fixing myself. Just as I wish from the start. A full circle.
My time here is almost up. From this place, Allah has guided me to the path that I was looking for. Then, it is enough to be here. It is.
There here comes a new fear. I may talk about it in later post (but no promise!).