Home Blog

Absence of Mind

When you want to become a better person; when you start to take care of your well being; when your body lost its usual stimulation…

And then you lost. You feel empty. You just want to come back to your destructive habit.

I love reading and watching cartoons since I was still a runny girl. I also appreciate a good plot that satisfies me, especially for its tragedy and unexpected turns of events. I lost count of the title of the stories.

Maybe that is what makes me a dreamer. My mind always constantly played a film of fiction life I made myself. Sometimes it came from my original creation, while most of the time it was inspired by others’ narratives. The fiction varies widely. I wonder.

The habits got into it’s strongest dominance until I realized that I had spent too much time creating fantasy without making much productive work. It was around the second year of high school. I can stare at the blank ceiling for two hours straight without making many moves, playing a movie of my own direction.

I lost so much time that I could have been using it to study more to improve some of my wrecked grades, build a better relationship with my friends, or simply do some housework. But it was all for nothing. Just mind stimulus. Just some untold fantastic story. Just time spent on a destructive habit.

I had more important things to be kept in my mind: high school final exam, higher education entrance test, handover of extracurricular organization’s management to my junior, etc. Then the force to continue my study at my dream college won over. I started to fill my empty sets of time to study, study, and study for the entrance test. My mind shifted to the future and almost neglect the immediate present. All of my attention focused on winning that one single-day exam while listing all the possibilities of failure and making an alternative plan. I plan, plan, plan, and prepare. I successfully left my wander habit.

Only for a few months.

After I was accepted at my college, my life got stabilized. Now my mind starts to wander so suddenly again. It is a sign that I am getting bored with my routine. But when I look at myself, I realize that in college I am busier, have more responsibilities, have more things to keep in mind. But why did I come back to this state again?

There’s something missing and different about the wander.

I can’t put my thoughts into comprehendible words. It is hard to write my mind into a proper paragraph. My line of thinking jumps between ideas. I can’t concentrate long enough. I stutter a lot when making my thoughts verbal.

Sometimes my mind goes absent. I don’t want to think. There’s something that holding me back to concentrate hard. What and why is that? I don’t know.

One says that I should try meditation. Others say that I should just keep pushing myself. Another suggests doing heavy planning. The last one tells me to write more regularly, anything that speaks my mind and makes me think deeply.

Do you get it?

Written in my lovely dorm, 11.30 p.m. Practicing my messy English.

This post is licensed under CC BY 4.0 by the author.